Saturday, 24 June 2017

Thai Travel Diarrhea

- I wake up on a piss-soaked mattress. Must be coming from a leak in the room upstairs. Bloody disgusting! What a messed-up shack is this place?

- Checking myself in at the STD clinic because things got pretty wild last night. Again staff assure me I'd have to actually have sexual contact with another person for me to catch something. Frantic masturbation don't count. Yeah, whatever!

- Time to hit the mall and show the locals just how much chilli and fermented cat shit coffee a foreigner can take. Spending the next couple of hours repainting restrooms with vibrant yellows, browns and reds.

- I'm exhausted, in desperate need of relaxation. Full body massage, please! The tall lady almost breaks my back before giving my prostate a special treat with what she refers to her sexy power tool. Before I have time to think about what this really means, she's already thrusting that thing deep inside and I wince.


"No, actually I don't. And what's wrong with your voice? Sounds like you got a bad cold!"

Anyway, costs me a bloody fortune and my arse hurts like shit.

- I need a drink. The girls at the bar are all over me. I guess I still got it! Naturally I pull, and the hottest babe is practically begging me to take her back to mine. I take a gentleman's wash and on leaving the bathroom I realise to my horror she's been kidnapped and most of my cash and valuables gone.

- They don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation down at the old bill, pissing themselves with laughter. All of a sudden they realise the "stupid farang" is wasting police time and kindly escort me into the back street where my face makes acquaintance with their truncheons.

- On the way home I go crowd-surfing in a massive wave of Chinese suitcases and shopping bags. I can just about break free from the vortex and hop into a red pickup truck. Three hours later, having been dragged to various must-see sights and purchasing Thailand's entire stock of wooden elephants we arrive at my destination. I'm broke, and so the driver relieves me of my watch as I don't fancy visiting my friends in uniform again.

- Because of an apparent bed-wetting issue, I am no longer welcome at the Thai Orchid no matter how much I insist on faulty plumbing. Unbelievable, but I'm just too knackered to argue my case any further, and so I settle on a nearby park bench. I suppose I'll sleep rough tonight. At least it's warm. And hey, I've already made some new friends. A couple of the most adorable stray dogs. Like real buddies they lick my wounds. So strange, but they speak English. How awesome is that? One of them is a doctor, and he gives me some paracetamols for that nausea-inducing headache. Those guys will keep me safe, especially from those blinking rainbow dragons soaring through the sky. Just don't come too close! Anyway, can't wait till tomorrow. A new day. A new adventure, ay?

Written by Dom Ritter & T. Lewis


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